But this time Im going through about 8 mills all at once and I dont know what to do about any of them …. I need help to decide.
Because of a tough situation, I had to make a stand at work and speak to someone who was upsetting a lot of people, people dear to me at work as well as customers, about their behaviour.
The result? I lost four very valued friends, two dearly beloved memebers of my team, both of whom had complained bitterly to me, about his behaviour. All four people who I had spent about 5 years helping build their confidence, their businesses, their self esteeem and their self belief. Something I pride myself in being able to do. Spending hours, days even, talkign to them, supporting them, listening to their doubts, soothing their tears, giving them all I could. And anyone who knows me knows when I commit – I COMMIT!!!!
And now it seems, they think I am the devil incarnate. And have voiced this by message and mail to me and now to each other.
Thats situation one.
My family. My bro is in terminal decline – his only real solution and its only short term – my kidney. Do I want to give my kidney to my brotjher? Well no not really. Does that make me a bad person? Who knows?
His wife has cancer second time round and is falling apart. She needs my support but I dont have the strength to give it. Does that make me bad? Probably. She also needs her husband and he needs my kidney..Does that make me bad???
My past. I am in the process of trying to find my own inner freedom from some terrible wrongs that where done to me when I was a child. I have writen a letter that frees the inner me from the responsibility of "allowing" that to happen to me…. Does that make me a bad person? I dont think so… But who knows?
A dog died in the process of my allowing that to happen to me and I will forever be in his debt. I repay "dogs" in whatver way I can as a result. Does that make me a bad person??? Who knows?
My dogs. Lace is 18 and amazingly well but I keep getting distracted from caring for her as I might like, by all this extraeneous bollocks tha is going on around me. Does that make me bad? I dont think so. But I hope she knows it. Im sure she does. But how do I find the focus I need to focus solely on her as I should be doing??? Lord or whatever gives people strength, please give me some soon.
My love life. After an eciting and promising start I find myslef in love with a man who has so many demons from his past that it is hard to fathom out how he managed to survive this long. After endless ammounts of trying to resolve our various challenges, and an angry and frighteneing display from him two weeks ago, directed at me, following my 4 day a week commitment to him to start up his new pub and commit all I had to it for 6 weeks at a cost of several thousand pounds, some detriment to my dogs and some deep guilt and questionaing about where my priorities lay….. I left. Not knowing If I did the right thing. Today I find out he slept with his barmaid last Tuesday, 3 days after we split, despite emails and txts to me both befoe and after commiting undying love. I believe he is fundamentally a great and loving person, shafted by his "demons". Now he is imploring me to go back and I miss him……..And hell i need a big hug. And I knwo men are different to women and shagging some1 is just a recovery thing…. but is it right to forgive him, becasue I miss him? And want his suuport (what he can give)?
My work. Despite CaDeLac being one of the best things that has happened to me, it has recently brought me great heartache and I have questioned several times wether I should carry on with it. But I know I am of great service to those I help and I know I have great support from what is left of my team. They re all brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Those who have met them will know…..
Other stuff. I have at least 3 peope right now who are in my life who are depending on my strength and support in the terrible time that they are having. In some cases much more terrible than mine. I feel at times powerless to help them…. and it hurts…… But I can and will commit to them all I can. This is just presure, i can survive pressure, its "hurt" that gets me.
One final thing. My home. Which I really cant afford as I am. Comes up foir renewal next month. I have savings. Im no where near destitute and I am lucky that way. Indeed I feel guilty when I read of some of your terrible financaial pligjhts – I wonder if I deserve the luxury of a home I live?
But I do need to get a grip
Free mind project. That brings so much good into my and others life. It has supported me, saved me and helped me. And wonder if I have the strength anymore to help it.
but the question is…….? What should I do now? How should I move forward. How on earth should I go on?
Well. If any of you good people have any ideas as to what I should do in any of these situations then please help me….. All of your thoughts are valued.
Thank you for hearing me. it is of great help to me that I can spout and be heard.
With all this I am greatful for all I have. I am lucky.
I am sorry to be of burden to those that read this and I feel crap at not being able to get a grip of all of this right now, but I really have no idea what is goin on.
And I want the pain to go away.